i am almost out of these zines so i figured i'd just post the words if anybody would care.
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i coughed and i opened my eyes and i lit a cigarette and
i looked outside and there was no sun yet so i closed my
eyes again and continued to smoke, arm lying dead off the
right hand side of my bed hitting a strategically placed bowl
designed with such things in mind. i kept my eyes closed
and thought about why we stayed together for so long when
there was nothing keeping us together anymore when there
was no reason for us to talk except to complain 'oh i hate my
job i want to quit my job i hate these people i work with, i
deserve better i know i do' there was no joy in seeing each
other after a few days apart there was nothing new or familiar
in the other's eyes, there was nothing anymore but still we
pushed and we wept when it was done but the tears really,
the tears were just there because we didn't know what to do
anymore and oh my god he just said it does he mean it what
does he really want to say but won't hung around for a few
days to make the tears a bit more tangiable, but not much.
i burn my hand when the cigarette gets a bit too short and i
sit up quick looking to see if i've already developed a blister
or if my blanket is burning up. i put my index finger in my
mouth and let my spit soak in. i cough once more and sit
a bit straighter. waking up fully clothed, i walk to the kitchen
to drink stale-tasting water directly from the tap to avoid
dirtying a dish and try to estimate the percentage of dissolved
fluoride in toronto water. i believe i read that fluoride aids in
desensitization and allows one to be easily led but i think
twice and it sounds like i more than likely heard it as a
public transit rambling but i spit the water out regardless.
for a few minutes i wandered around my house expecting
thoughts on the oncoming day to jump out at me but nothing
was there. i felt filled with dread for a split second and wanted
to call her and tell her i was wrong please please please it
was just one of those days but i blink and the feeling subsides
with the realization that one of those days was a month ago
and that i'm really not wrong and everything is a-okay once
again and i put on my jacket and i walk outside and i smile
because the sun is out and it's early and i have nothing to do
today so i'm going to do everything. i was for two blocks to
buy a coffee i heard from a friend that my coffee place has
roaches but i figure it could always be worse so i turn down
the pastries but overthank the korean woman nonetheless.
i decide to go for a long long walk because i've had no reason
to go downtown all week and maybe i'll see something i need
maybe i'm interested in buying a new pair of shoes. i walk by
that cross-street and my stomache turns for a moment and i
laugh at the uneasyness that the prospect of even seeing
certain people causes me. i laughed out loud i'm fairly sure.
i cringe a few steps later. i focus on my steps (one per side
walk block) and establish a speedy rhythm and keep going
and empty my mind for a moment and light my fourth
cigarette of the day. i watch a girl bike past and think she's
the most beautiful girl i've ever seen and think about her
probable requirements for a lover: so very tall so strong four
years in their respective college program a pocket full of cash
and a huge but respectable cock. i know i have nothing no
nothing to offer nobody so i spit once pick a stick of gum from
my pocket and start to chew.
i was told i was born under a lucky sun but i didn't feel it right
now, the gum not satisfying my thirst or keeping my jaw
occupied long enough to not continue smoking. i tugged at my
jacket uncomfortably as if i were suddenly aware that i might
be unappealing to passerby ignoring the fact that the way my
jacket hangs off my body is the least of my problems. i mouth
a few lyrics to a song in my head whispering softly only to me
and i feel a little less self-conscious. bathurst, halfway marker
known to me as long as i've been in the parkdale, yes i'm on
my way! i see the city start to build up a bit more and more
with every step and i feel a bit less alone thinking that these
buildings these places are so unappreciated as well. i feign
sympathy breifly and bump shoulders with a tall white man
walking his bike viciously through a crowded intersection and
i look him in his eyes and see absolutely nothing, not one
thing and i feel jealous and i mouth 'fuck you' when i am fully
turned around and hold my shoulders up high tug at my jacket
once more spit and smirk condescendingly. i think about the
times we talked about forever and how we'd love eachother
longer than that and i think i still do but love is never ever
enough (says my mom, i believe her always) and that really
love means everything, yes, but you can't hold on to that love
to snuggle you at night or make you feel appreciated or even
cared about because that love, fuck, that love is all in your
head!!! you regret not telling her more often when she made
you feel like shit but you remember that you felt like shit all of
the time and nobody likes a complainer. i feel a bit sick to my
stomache thinking about you fucking somebody else and i
think it doesn't matter, it never mattered then, why would it
matter now and i close my eyes and the pain moves to my
head and i tug at my jacket and it goes away.
.
continuing on with keeping my feet on the ground and my
eyes following my right foot left foot with extreme accuracy
i feel a familiar grab at my right arm that causes me to
swing around into the arms of one of my oldest friends. the
hey how are you's are present but go through unnoticed with
yeahs and i got you's, the pressing question is where are ya
going and can i come along so i decide to stop for a six and
head home, head as clear as i can guess and a sudden
companion. he waxed on and on about how it's happened
before oh this is the last time is it oh how i've heard that a
million times and i spit angrily and said yeah, yeah, yeah.
i know, okay, yeah i've done wrong and yes and oh yeah,
it's happened right but i have a professional life now and no,
i won't go to college no matter what you say, i have a life you
know? i have things to do and i don't need four years to get
drunk and hang a diploma up. he smiles and asserts i'm
back to normal but normal was such a long time ago that i
feel grim a dead man, walking. i pay $10 smile pleasantly
and expect to be sharing tonight. i think about a few fond
memories for a moment, every drunk night every good night
when we were both so new to each other and everything
was fresh and fun and it was interesting. i think about how
i was told 'if it wasn't you, it would have been me' and i get
angry with an unaware person that this is crossing my mind
at this moment. i look up with disdain and grow ever anxious
to be home. i cough shallowly and smile feeling forced. i
think that i'm capable of being happy and yeah, i deserve it
and yeah, i fucking deserve it, yeah. yeah. yeah.
i cough and i cough and i recieve a quick pat on the back
and it makes me furious however i know it's with good
intentions (what would i do if i were you?) so i say 'thank
you' with my eyes because i never mean it with my mouth
and you know me better than that. we are almost home
the walk twice as fast back surprisingly, even, wow, i'm
surprised right now that we're already here. i open a beer
and stretch out on my bed as you sit on the stool across
from me and check your email eyes squint and it makes
me drink faster. in the other room i can hear 'the lovers'
'the couple' 'the too cute not to appreciate' conversation
glide from art culture in love cute cute in love what do you
want to eat tonite dear in love in love the sound of a hand
on a hip that doesn't belong to you in love in love in love
and i love oh i love it oh love, lover, smother me with a
pillow while i sleep, love, lovely, oh tell me everything
about your day love, i love everything you love!! i've never
felt so happy, love, this love is everything, everything to
me, when i close my eyes, love, i'd love to love you, lover,
sweet-pea. love. let's be the same person, love, i'd love
you a bit more if you were different but love, it's fine! it's
so okay to love what you love!! i love you today. tomorrow
it's just too soon, love, let's not think about it today, lover.
love, muffin, don't be so mad all the time. love is so good!
honey! baby! i dreamed about jumping in front of a car
last night and it felt amazing, lover, love, sweetness, baby.
i thought about how much i hate you today, love, and i
loved it, love love, love! oh, i love to watch you leave over
and over again, love, i love to watch you sit speechless
oh love, i forget the next memory love, love, i forgot
something i said i would never, love, i smile that it's gone.
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